JOKES

'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN NEWFOUNDLAND '

'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Newfies know how to get'er done)

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

The Man Rules

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note, these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a
special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for
one whole month."
The couple agreed, but 2-1/2 weeks later, they returned to the church. The
wife was crying, and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You are
back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex one
whole month," the man replied sadly. The pastor asked what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain
through will power. The second week was terrible, but the use of prayer
helped us. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers,
prayer, reading the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

"But one afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust, and I just had my
way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex.
It lasted over an hour and when we were done, we were both drenched in
sweat," admitted the man shamefully.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means
you are not welcome in our church."
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at
Home Depot either!"

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. However, we were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It did not seem proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we will expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. He points out that the man does
look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The
widow, however, says that she always thought her
husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants
him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank
check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a
gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician,
"Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you
spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents
her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he
says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost
of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly,
ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see,
a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he
was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife
if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no differences long
as he looked nice. So I switched the heads."

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer.

“ I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee”, replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.” “Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might conceder this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too.” “Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.”

True to her word when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put one on immediately. “Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”